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What is (VIRTUAL) Tantra Speed Date?
Tantra Speed Date is a fresh new take on dating that combines a relationship skills class with a Puja-style 'speed date.' Whether in person or virtual, we help singles step into helpful relationship roles--something most of us were not taught in school. Then through fun connection exercises from various practices (such as Tantra, meditation, partner yoga, actor's improv, eye gazing, dance) you have an opportunity to practice getting to know someone in a more meaningful way. And many of the exercises translate surprisingly well online.
As a result people walk away not only with matches, but with new skills, and often a new perspective on what relationships
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Our facilitators are trained to create a safe and fun atmosphere which supports daters in stepping into their best, most authentic selves. And what better way to meet a mate? This is why we believe attendees can't stop raving about it!
Start your next relationship with your best foot forward.
Choose your city for more information and upcoming event dates!
Tantric Dating is a revolutionary new mindset and method which bring love and awareness to the dating process. “For those readers, men and women, who wish to enrich their love lives, investigating Catherine’s sage and well-considered advice could be just the answer and the path you’re looking for!”.
Oct 20, 2017 Tantra Speed Date is the latest offering from Lauren Harkness and Guy Shahar, relationship and tantra experts and founders of The Tantra Institute. Since the first event took place in New York in. Tantric Speed Dating - Feb 11th. Public Hosted by Alchemy of Love. Thursday, February 11, 2021 at 6:30 PM – 9:30 PM UTC+08. Mind Body Heart. Hosted by the Tantra Institute of New York, tantra speed dating takes place once a month at Reflections, Center for Conscious Living & Yoga in New York City, with upcoming events also planned for Boston, San Francisco, and Reno, Nevada. Tantra Speed Date is meant to be about connection, explains co-founder Guy Shahar. In May 2017, he started the events as part of the New York’s Tantra Institute, which he co-founded.
Yup, you read that correctly. I little over a week ago I decided to do something considered by most people to be hokey and a bit “out there.” I went to a tantric speed dating event. I myself wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but in the spirit of being open to trying new things, I figured, why the hell don’t I give it a go?
That’s sort of been my motto these days… when people ask me why I’ve chosen this lifestyle of travel or why I decided to come to Perth, instead of giving them my whole backstory and trying to explain all the reasons in an attempt to justify my decisions, I feel like this phrase pretty much sums up my attitude toward life: Why not?
At the end of the day, I’m the one that has to live my life and face the consequences of my decisions, and right now, I’m giving myself permission to explore how I feel and what I really think about things that I’ve been told are “weird” or “evil” or whatever label given to something with the intention of separating me from it because, to be honest, I’m just plain tired of the fear that runs most of the world these days.
I feel like I could write a whole post about this and the psychology behind it, but basically, I think it has to do with a lack of trusting ourselves (and others) enough to be able to create healthy boundaries within our exploration. To be able to hold space for people that are different from us without feeling like by doing so we are also approving of everything we are not in agreement with. But I’ll get more into that later…
So with the attitude of being open to experiencing new things and feeling a bit annoyed with online dating, I excitedly agreed to join my friend at a tantric speed dating event.
The event was held in a yoga studio, and when we arrived most of the attendees were already there and sitting on various mats and cushions in a circle on the floor. I did a quick scan of the room to see what kinds of people such an event would attract, and felt myself relax when I saw people of all ages and races. I was relieved because I only saw a few men that I initially found attractive, and that meant that my expectations of meeting any dating potential were very low.
I know, the whole point of going to a speed dating event is to make a romantic connection. And while I initially was hopeful of making such a connection when I bought my ticket to the event, in the week leading up to it I was simply not feeling emotionally ready to do that.
Being in the process of starting my own business and doing a lot of work on myself, which coincides with starting said business, has been a lot to balance on top of working my regular job, while also maintaining my social and personal life. So needless to say, I was feeling vulnerable and drained. By the time Saturday night rolled around, I wasn’t exactly full of energy. But I had already bought a ticket and requested off work, so I curled my hair and put on some makeup, hoping to convince myself and others that I was ready to meet the man of my dreams. 😂
To start off the night, the facilitator told us all to get up and dance around like little ferries while light classical music played. We were told to interact with each other how fairies would. If it sounds weird, that’s because it was! After about 5 minutes of awkward fairy dancing, finally, the music stopped. The facilitator laughed as he explained the whole point of that exercise was to make us feel awkward. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Thank god, I thought. He then put on some actual dance tunes and told us to let loose for a bit to shake off all that nervous energy. After a few minutes of booty shaking, the event officially began.
We all returned to our seats as he explained how the night would go, taking time to address the fact that most of us had never been to an event like this before and were probably thinking, What the hell did I get myself into? Much like normal speed dating, we would have about 5 minutes with each person, but instead of talking, we would be given activities to do together, many of which would require touching. *gasp*
He emphasized that boundaries were of utmost importance and that while the activities were designed to get us out of our comfort zones, they were also not meant to force us into doing something that we didn’t want to do. So we were told to constantly be checking in with ourselves and how we felt and to also listen and respect other people’s boundaries when they were expressed.
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I immediately regretted my decision to wear a sweater and two layers of pants (it was cold outside!) as all the nervous energy and excitement in the room was making me very warm. Once the guidelines were established, we were then told to get in a circle. Women on the inside, and men on the outside, and lined up so that each person had a partner of the opposite sex.
My first partner was a guy I would guess was about my age, and probably of middle eastern descent. We were told to put our hands on each other’s shoulders and stare into each other’s eyes for about 4 minutes straight without talking. I had heard beforehand that this was an activity we would do, so I was already mentally prepared. My partner seemed quite comfortable with the idea, and I thought he was kind of cute, so I didn’t mind having to stare into his eyes haha.
I could feel the nervous energy, but also a sense of peace as we locked eyes. We were encouraged to take deep breaths throughout the process which helped alleviate some of the stress. It was strange how comfortable I felt staring into this stranger’s eyes and allowed myself to be seen. He never looked away, and I think his willingness to participate made me feel more relaxed. At one point I nearly broke out in a laughing fit, and at another, I felt I wanted to cry.
It’s interesting how much you can feel about a person just by being in their presence without saying anything. With him, I instantly felt at ease, like I didn’t have to put on any pretense. I could be my tired, emotional self, and that was okay. I felt a release.
When the 4 minutes ended, it felt strange to break the silence with a conversation. Before switching partners, I learned that he had been to a tantric speed dating event before, which I assumed was why he had already seemed so comfortable. We were encouraged not to chit chat much in between activities so that we could allow ourselves to simply meet each other’s presence, so other than his name, that’s about all I knew about him.
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After meeting each person we were instructed to write a yes or no for whether or not we would like to see that person again. If it was a mutual yes, we would be given each other’s emails and phone numbers. In my little notebook, I wrote down his number with the word “yes” next to it.
With my next partner, we were told to hug for 4 minutes without talking. He was quite tall, so he had to bend down to hug me. Again, we didn’t talk. Just simply breathed and held each other. I don’t remember feeling anything except hot, and not because I was hot for him. I was still a bit nervous, and mainly while we hugged I was thinking about how I wished I hadn’t worn a sweater. Haha. When our time ended, we exchanged names and he moved to the next girl.
I don’t remember exactly what order the activities went in, but soon after I was paired with an older Scottish man, probably in his late 50s. This time the men were told to give the women a back massage, which I happily agreed to. We were told to tell the men what we wanted. I got a bit of a creepy old man vibe from the Scott, so I didn’t give him much direction, so long as he kept his hands on my shoulders. We did several activities with this partner, one of which included apologizing on behalf of all men for things they’d done to women and visa versa. It was kind of an intense moment, and looking around the circle, I could see that it was a very healing moment for some people who had tears in their eyes. All I wanted to do was to get away from the creepy old man and his hands.
Each new partner brought a new activity, and as the night wore on, the energy seemed to intensify in the room. Most times I was counting down the minutes until we could stop the activity and move on to the next partner. When it was my turn to give a new partner a back massage, I asked if he had any spots he wanted me to work on, and he literally said to do whatever I felt like he would want. Ummm, ok? Sorry, but I’m not a trained masseuse. I thought his response was strange, and after a couple of minutes my thumbs started hurting. Again, I was relieved when the time was up.
Then came one of the cute guys I had spotted earlier. He was tall, with dirty blonde hair, and I think he said he was Italian. For our activity, the men were told to touch the women however they wanted. We were given safe words to say like “orange” if the men were getting close to a no-touch zone, and “avocado” if we wanted them to stop. I was terrified. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a fear of guys only wanting my body and not my brain, so this activity was super triggering for me.
My partner put his hands on my shoulders and ran them down my arms, and touched my neck, and my face. I said avocado several times as he got close to touching my butt, stomach, and chest. I swear my heart must’ve been beating out of my chest. Then he brought his face close to mine and I blurted “avocado” just before I think he was about to kiss me. As nice as it felt to be touched by someone I was actually attracted to, I didn’t like how he felt so comfortable touching me without even knowing me.
When it was my turn to use him for my pleasure and touch him however I wanted, I panicked. I felt so extremely uncomfortable exploring this stranger’s body when all I really wanted to do was have a conversation with him. I think I literally said out loud, “I don’t know what to do.” I could feel that he wanted me to take liberties with him, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more than touch his arms and hands. I even tried giving him a hug and he just stood there like a statue. It was so odd. He probably thought I was repulsed by him or something, I’ll never know. It just didn’t feel right to me to do anything else. So I didn’t.
With our next couple partners we were supposed to tap into our primal nature, our inner animal, and somehow act that out. I thought of mine being a lion, as did my partner, but his idea of being a lion was a bit different than mine. In retrospect, I think mine was more maybe more of a housecat 😂. I decided to follow his lead, and after some neck nuzzling, I started to feel weird. When he asked if he could bite me, I was like, umm no! Is that a real question?
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I looked around the room at what everyone else was doing and people were really getting into it. After the last exercise, the energy had gotten way more sexual, and I just wasn’t feeling it. Thankfully, my next partner was in the same mind frame, so after having a quick chat, I proceeded to hop around like a crazy bird, attempting to shake off all the weird energy I felt, or you know, tapping into my primal energy…
I was thankful when the wildness was all over and we were invited to sit on the floor with our partners. The instructions were a bit the same as the previous touching exercise, only we were sitting instead of standing. Honestly, by that point, my nerves were so fried and I was starting to feel quite emotional. I think my partner could sense that. He was a bit older, maybe in his early 40s. I really didn’t feel like touching, so I just put my hands on his knees and we just sat there staring at each other. At one point he said to me, “This is okay.” And I was relieved to hear that. I had felt pressure up to that point with other partners to do more than I felt comfortable with, so his acceptance was a welcome relief.
Then we switched again, and this time the guys were told to touch the women. I immediately started to feel tense. How many times am I gonna have to say avocado again?? I thought. I felt so on edge, and I really just wanted to cry. Again, I think my partner could sense that. He looked me in the eyes and sweetly began to caress my face, then rub my arms and squeeze my hands. There was nothing sexual implied by his touch. I could feel him reassuring me that I was safe, and finally, I was able to relax and let go. I closed my eyes and cried.
I’ve never felt so loved by a total stranger as I did at that moment. It was a really powerful healing moment for me, and when it was over we exchanged a simple nod of thanks. That was it. I don’t think we ever said a word to each other. I found out later that he actually teaches a class on loving women, so no wonder I felt so safe with him.
Our last partner ended up being the same as our first, and to close the night, we took turns saying all of the things we were grateful for. My partner asked me how I was doing, and he seemed to understand when I said I was drained. He thanked me for being brave enough to come out to the event and acknowledged the courage it takes to be vulnerable with total strangers. He thanked me for being open to the experience and being that touch that someone else may have needed that night. He was very sweet and intentional with his words, and it felt good to be acknowledged in that way.
We were invited to mingle over tea and chocolate afterward, but I was so tired that I didn’t make much of an effort to converse with anyone. If I thought I was drained before, that was nothing compared to the way I felt after the event. It had been an emotional night. I felt proud of myself for being open to experiencing something new and different and for standing behind my boundaries in the way that I did. I marked a few yeses in my little notebook before handing it in, but I felt totally okay if nothing were to come of it.
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Just having the experience that I did was worth going to the event. Since then, I’ve been able to process it a bit more, and draw some lessons from the experience. I feel like it was valuable in teaching me to own my boundaries, even though I still feel shame or guilt sometimes for not being as open as some people are with strangers. I’m understanding that it’s important for my boundaries to be respected because I feel safe and valued when they are. And through one of the exercises, I learned that communicating my boundaries makes others feel like they can trust me, which is something I never considered before.
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I also feel like it taught me to not have attachments to people immediately. Even though I could have an amazing healing experience with a total stranger, doesn’t mean that I expect it to go anywhere after that. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes people are in our lives for a moment, and sometimes they are there for many moments. But it’s all meant to teach us something. Each one is a mirror reflecting what’s inside us back to ourselves. And sometimes a warm embrace from a total stranger can be exactly the thing we need if it comes from a place of being present to each other in our needs and not from a place of trying to get anything.
It’s interesting too how each activity felt different depending on the person we were partnered with. Some people you just naturally feel comfortable with, and others not as much. I think the biggest thing I realized is that we can hold space for others to be completely themselves, but that requires that we are first comfortable with ourselves. If my partner had done the work to be comfortable enough in himself to where he could be open to meeting a total stranger in that deep way, then I felt safe to unravel and be my authentic self. And in that, a beautiful authentic connection could be made.
I think that just goes to show that you never know what can happen when you just show up as your authentic self without expecting to get something from someone else. I went into the experience not really feeling like making an effort to connect with anyone, and yet by owning where I was at mentally and emotionally, I was able to be really met by several strangers and share some beautiful moments. (Many awkward ones too!)
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I don’t know if I would go to the event again, but I’m definitely glad I experienced it at least once. So moral of the story here is to be open to connecting with people in new and maybe unusual ways. You never know what might happen! You might be surprised how people are willing to meet you where you are.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading along. I’d love to hear any comments or questions or similar experiences you’ve had in dating or just life in general! Please comment below or send me a message 😉 I’d love to hear from you. As always, have a great week and stay awesome. XOXO